“Adoption—An Affair of the Heart”

Have you ever wished that today could be tomorrow?

“When a baby looks around, it’s such a sight. If he or she could only speak, they would have much to say about how they feel knowing that their mother has gone away. When I was a child, I lay awake thinking profound thoughts about my mother, wondering why she was no longer by my side. Something deep-seated and intangible about her absence caused my heart to ache. Crying out in my sleep, I’d softly moan, ‘My heart bleeds for you. It has been many days since I was born, but your sacred voice still rings inside. Why have you forsaken me? When are you coming back for me?’” Judith Land

“My entire life, I have been driven by an insatiable desire to find my roots, discover my true identity, and restore friendly relations with my biological parents. When I finally reunited with them, the reality of meeting them in the flesh exceeded my wildest childhood fantasies. Getting to know them gradually and over time has been a storybook ending and a magical “affair of the heart.” Judith Land

Feeling stagnant and restless, I dreamed of rendezvousing with my biological mother in sweet bliss, an “affaire de coeur” before I part this life, before the flower heads of youth blanch and wilt, slowly wither and gradually fade away. A wholesome life free of strife is a sacred concept that brings new meaning to my days on earth and helps me get through any weather. I whimsically long for the clouds to clear and sun rays to peak through. I want the tower bells to ring, sounding an alarm about a bona fide love for someone who is missing, and send a message of hope to the outcast child wanting to know why it ended this way.

I get restless when the sky is cheerless and despairing, always raining in my heart. Darkened clouds overhead, dripping endlessly on my head. Feeling the stillness of the night, I never think precisely correct. I’m frightened and confused about my plight and easily overcome by endless dreams of fantastic things that may never happen. My life is an infinite delay of creeping days and endless hours of sleepless nights. Lacking a clear perspective of worldliness and sophistication, I’m simultaneously overcome with the pain of yesterday’s sorrow and disheartened by feelings of hopelessness when dreaming of tomorrow. I pray to God both day and night, “Is this the circle of life that I should expect to go on forever? I would go anywhere, do anything, to catch a glimpse of her.”

I’ve seen ephemeral summer clouds gently floating overhead, pink apple blossoms in springtime, and autumn foliage ablaze in multiple hues of red and orange. I’ve heard birds happily chirping to attract a mate and dogs and cats spitting. I’ve marveled at lightning storms, rainbows, and deep snow as the seasons pass. I’ve gazed at my reflection in a deep blue lake of glass and felt the power of thunderous ocean waves rolling in. I’ve felt the warmth of the sun’s rays at dawn, and when the sun becomes a red ball of flame and turns the horizon pink, I robotically pour myself another drink.

With love, Judith Land

Responses to “Adoption—An Affair of the Heart.”

Adoption Detective

“Our lack of acquaintance and familiarity triggers desperate feelings of heartfelt pain, salty tears, and sorrowful rain. Leisure isn’t fun anymore. Feelings of being unheralded, anonymous, isolated, and alone set my mood. Enduring endless days, lonesome nights, and a marathon of ceaseless dreaming is what my life is all about. Boundless days and endless nights—an infinite cycle of déjà vu day after day, season after season. I am an adoptee who feels the plight of the orphaned refugee. I don’t even know my parents’ names. Seeking eternal bliss, I whimsically dream of effectuating a heavenly love affair of the heart and the healing peace of mind a mother-daughter reunion would make. I am restless and would be forever grateful and feel fulfilled and whole if, by happenstance, some kindred soul would expose my aching heart to my ma and pa.” Judith Land

 

The YouTube video below captures some of my favorite adoption quotes.

 

A Love Note in the Attic Addressed to Me

“I found an unmarked, dusty old cardboard box in my mother’s attic. It was full of mementos, souvenirs, old letters, family heirlooms, newspaper articles, and postcards. At the bottom of the box was a faded envelope with a note addressed to me. The paper was brittle, and the writing looked amateurish as if it had been written by a child many years ago.” Judith Land 

“Unbreakable family bonds are where we find love, support, and a sense of belonging. The family bond has remained unbreakable throughout history, providing individuals with a solid foundation to navigate life’s challenges. Creating a deeper connection between family members deepens the profound bonds of love, respect, trust, and understanding.” Judith Land

“Dear Judy, I love you. I will never forget you. Love Barbara”

I read the note over and over again. “Who was Barbara,” I wondered. My life was shrouded in mystery. I was an adopted child, unaware of my parents’ names. My existence was a puzzle, a maze of uncertainty, intrigue, and mystery, and I was unsure of the path that would lead me home. Could this letter be a clue?”

I eventually solved the mystery, and the experience was one of the most heartwarming events ever happening to me. The first year of my life, I was cared for by a loving foster family with four daughters and a little white dog. We lived in a cozy house with a big yard where we played and laughed. When I was forcefully taken from my foster parents and given to another family for adoption, my foster sister Barbara was heartbroken. She wrote a note to tell me she loved me and secretly tucked the letter under my shirt.

When my adoptive mother discovered the note, she callously tossed it in a memory box and forgot about it until I found it thirty years later. I eventually learned that Barbara was one of my four original foster sisters through diligence and perseverance. I called to identify myself and let Barbara know I found her note in my mother’s attic. Her reaction was spontaneous and joyous.

“I never forgot you,” she explained. “Every Christmas and Thanksgiving day, my family sits at the dining table and prays for you. I carried a baby picture of you in my purse for thirty years, and I never gave up hope that we would be reunited someday.”

And I replied, “I named my first doll Barbara in your memory.” 

I drove day and night across two states to meet her in person. Our reunion was a glorious day filled with wonderment and prayer. We had a heartwarming reunion that united family members to share love, appreciation, and laughter and reunite our nearly forgotten family ties after thirty years of separation.

With love and grace, I realized that family is not just about blood relations but also the bonds we form with those who care for us. 

With Love, Judith Land

 

The Value of Reading

“Reading socializes pets and helps children build empathy for animals. Reading improves communication skills, verbal fluency, and comprehension. Children feel more comfortable reading to pets because pets are there to listen, and they never criticize.” Judith Land

“Those who don’t read have no advantage over those who can’t.” Judith Land

Books play a pivotal role in the self-discovery journey of children hoping to learn about the world, offering profound insights into their culture, beliefs, and identity. When the question of your origin, authentic self, and place in the world arises, books often hold the key to these answers.

The world’s libraries are filled with informative generational knowledge. Reading allows you to better understand yourself and others. Reading comprehension is the application of multiple skill components. If you encounter a person of rare intellect, ask them what books they read.

Reading is a powerful tool for children, enhancing critical thinking, analytical skills, concentration, memory, knowledge, vocabulary, imagination, creativity, and writing abilities. In the complex realm of adoption, books offer a comforting refuge and a wealth of profound insights.

“Destiny is not always preordained. Life is about making choices. Our lives are the sum of all our choices, the bridges we cross, and the ones we burn. Our souls cast long shadows over many people, even after we are gone. Fate, luck, and providence are the consequence of our freedom of choice, not the determinants. When justice is served by following our principles, making good decisions brings us inner peace.”  

With Love, Judith Land

 

How similar are you to your Birth Mother?

As an adoptee, have you ever wished you could meet your biological family?

“Inheritance refers to the transmission of genetic information from parents to offspring. My fundamental belief in the inheritability of psychological traits, preferences, attitudes, and spirituality gave me the confidence to believe that I would be comfortably matched physically, socially, and psychologically with my biological parents and siblings if I chose to find them.” Judith Land

“Those traits an offspring receives from their parents are called inherited traits. Hair color, eye color, muscle structure, and bone structure are examples. Inherited behavioral traits are characteristics or tendencies in behavior that are influenced by genetic factors passed down from one generation to the next. IQ goes from being weakly correlated with genetics for children to strongly correlated with genetics for late teens and adults.” Judith Land

 

Twin studies have been of great value for estimating the inheritability of specific traits, including academic ability, personality, and interests; family and social relationships; mental and physical health; and physiological measurements. Researchers have been particularly interested in the prevalence of psychopathology, substance abuse, divorce, leadership, and other traits and behaviors related to mental and physical health, relationships, and spirituality. Research suggests that genetics play a vital role in developing personal characteristics by serving as a blueprint for physical, social, and emotional development. Twins separated at birth and reared in different families have an equal chance of being similar to the co-twin in terms of personality, interests, and attitudes as one who has been reared with his or her co-twin. Researchers have produced surprising results showing that social attitudes, behavior, and dental health all have a genetic influence.

The consensus in the scientific world is that behavior can be explained by combining both nature (genetics) and nurture (environment). This leads to the conclusion that similarities between twins are due to genetics, and the differences between twins reared apart are due to the environment. Heredity is essential in shaping physical appearance, mental acuteness, preferences, personal characteristics, and personality. Researchers have uncovered remarkable similarities between twins raised in separate homes with different parents to be powerful. Examination and scrutiny give significant weight to genetics as a critical factor in determining physical appearance, attributes, personalities, and inherent abilities. The inheritability of academic ability, personality and interests, family and social relationships, mental and physical health, and other physiological measurements has inferred correlations for children raised outside their genealogical, biological, and ancestral groupings. Still, psychologists are not satisfied to rest on that conclusion alone.

Questions still remain regarding to what degree certain behavioral traits can be explained by genetics and the environment. Many studies have been conducted to understand how siblings interact and influence one another, how family environment has an impact on the mental health of adolescents, and how adoptive families are similar to and different from biological families. Extensive research on environmental and biological influences on adopted children and children biologically related to the parents has allowed sibling and parental influences to also be incorporated into the research. The Minnesota Twin Family Study has provided scientists a clearer understanding of the role of genes and environment on human development. The landmark series of investigations have helped identify genetic and environmental influences on the development of psychological traits, and findings have received both praise and criticism. On multiple measures of personality and temperament, occupational and leisure-time interests, and social attitudes, twins raised apart were about as similar as those reared together. This evidence for the strong inheritability of many psychological traits should never detract from the value or importance of parenting, education, and other interventions.

Judith Land

http://www.adoptiondetectivejudithland.com

Four Kinds of Adoption

“There are four kinds of adoption: nefarious, forgivable, warranted, and praiseworthy.” Judith Land

Gyula Benczúr (Nyiregyháza 1844 – Dolány 1920) – My Children, 1881

“DNA has overridden centuries of secretive sealed birth and adoption records intended to withhold the identity of biological parents from public disclosure confidentially.” Judith Land

As the adoption industry migrates to social media, many regretful adoptees and birth mothers confront the world with their pain and anger. Birth mothers express pressure, regret, and lifelong mourning for the children they gave up. Adoptees talk about their sense of estrangement, lack of psychological bonding, and deficiency of medical history.

Nefarious adoptions are highly objectionable and offensive. Strangers of questionable character coercing a mother into giving up her baby violate time-honored laws of nature and social conduct laws. It is a felonious act to separate a mother from her child without her permission and market that child for adoption. If a baby is stolen and sold for profit, the baby-brokering actions of the beneficiaries are criminal. It is corrupt for handlers and go-betweens to knowingly accept payment for a child illegally and cruelly separated from the biological parents. Corruption, child trafficking, and the treatment of adoptable children as a commodity are heartbreaking. Unregulated child redistribution by predatory individuals is a global issue.

Forgivable adoptions occur when the biological parents and close relatives are deceased, incapable, and physically or mentally unable to carry out their duties and responsibilities as parents. Separating a mother and child is traumatic for both. Protecting the ethereal bond between a biological mother and child should be preserved whenever possible. Still, in these cases, there may be a higher potential for a better quality of life with another set of parents. Alternative parents exhibiting integrity may provide more positive opportunities and emotional stability for a healthier, moral, and productive life. Close family relatives are often the best choice. 

Warranted adoptions occur when the parents are unready, incompetent, and incapable of raising a child independently. Rehabilitation, food stamps, childcare subsidies, and assistance from close family members should be encouraged as short-term solutions to give unsteady, indigent mothers more time to reverse a decision to give up their child. Delaying the decision allows more time before a child is legally separated and offered to strangers. If this process is unregulated, great harm may befall the child. Warranted adoptions should only take place after vigorously exhausting all other possibilities.

Praiseworthy adoptions result from desperate situations when children are in immediate peril and need assistance. Parents are deceased or truly incapable, often resulting from disastrous events, pandemics, war, pestilence, accidents, and natural disasters. Praiseworthy adoptions occur when virtuous parents with a habit of goodness exhibit a true sense of compassion, righteousness, and a genuine love of children. With heartfelt emotions, they comprehend the deep sense of loss the adopted child endures. They strive to perform good acts and give their best because the situation is morally justifiable. The parents most influence a child’s learning and socialization. Adoptive parents are praiseworthy when they provide encouragement, support, and access to activities that enable children to master essential developmental tasks. Happy parents raise happy children. 

Unfortunately, psychologists paint a dire picture of orphanages. 90% of children living in orphanages worldwide have at least one living parent who has willingly placed their child in the administrative incarcerated care of the ward state. Being adopted into a traditional family is almost always preferable to institutional care provided by orphanages.

Judith Land

Seductions of the Past

“So, why not dare to dream, take a chance, and challenge fate? Perhaps someone estranged long ago will persevere in the coming year by fulfilling his or her dream of eventually catching a glimpse of you.” Judith Land

“It seems inevitable that the life’s adventures of adoptees who have lost all contact with family for a considerable period who are eventually reunited with them will one day be listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association as victims of Robinson Crusoe Syndrome.” —Judith Land

Adoptees are displaced persons by definition. Many of them feel the pain of the refugee, disconnected, alienated, and separated from their roots—emotionally stranded on a desolate and baron land.

For adoptees, the way home is a pilgrimage of the road and an ethereal journey of the mind—a lifetime trip to the hallowed ground. But solving the complex mystery of life’s labyrinth to find the way home without a GPS, a roadmap, or a guide to follow is a daunting task they must undertake in solitude.

The silent threat of darkness beyond the void where conscious memories end and infinity begins is breathtaking and alluring to them. Their emotional journey is intense, as they seek only mercy on an intrinsic and primal level; regardless of the depths of humiliation, they may find, they long to pierce the surface reflection to see what lies in the depths below.

Driven by an unimpeachable desire that exhilarates and arouses an awakening within them, a frightening spark leaps from their soul as the seductions of the past overwhelm them. If only reality could account for itself, they would launch a vision quest to comprehend with empowered insight a surreal vision from God that empirically solves the riddles of the labyrinth and the reasons for their birth.

Judith Land

Primal Wound

“The ‘Primal Wound Theory’ holds that severing the connection between the infant and biological mother causes an emotional wound which manifests in a sense of loss, mistrust, behavioral problems, and difficulties in relationships. The adoptee’s sense of self, self-esteem, and self-worth are affected throughout life.” Judith Land

“Abandonment and loss are indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious souls of children separated from their biological mothers at birth. Maternal bonding is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events beginning in utero and continuing throughout the post-natal period. The exasperation of walking the narrow halls of life in solitary and the loneliness of not being understood is an emotional betrayal. Too many adoptees are not conversant with their full spectrum of being. They are confused as to why the mother abandoned them, purposefully severing the primal maternal bond. With all their senses on full alert, they strive to hear a familiar voice, sense a familiar smell, and be comforted with a familiar mother’s human touch.” Judith Land

The mother and child connection is a vital relationship. The mysterious and unexplained disappearance of a mother creates a deep and long-lasting primal wound in the heart and mind of the child. Disruption leaves a hollow feeling and a sense of mystery and loss that never fades. The grief of separation feels never-ending, like relentless ocean waves pounding the shore. The emotional and behavioral effects of disrupting the primal maternal bond are severe and long-lasting. Separation from the birth mother leads to internal conflict and a sense of loneliness. The grief from maternal separation feels prolonged, cruel, and unjust. The emotional confusion and pain the unnatural disconnection brings feels like relentless persecution. The pain of separation is unyielding and harsh, leading to internal suffering, enduring heartfelt pain, and strife. Truancy creates feelings of oppression and bewilderment, clouding mental clarity like an endless fog that prevents happiness and truth from breaking through.

Some children experience adoption as a heart-wrenching journey, a temporary escape from the happiness, companionship, and dreams of a previous life. In these moments, offering empathy and unwavering support is crucial, acknowledging their pain to show genuine care. During tough times, the steadfast support of friends and family strengthens their reliability and trust. However, resilience truly counts, empowering us to listen, offer solace, and provide consistent emotional support.

Judith Land

What’s Your Opinion?

“My hands and feet were numb. My heart was racing. I felt panicky. I was considering backing out of my adoption reunion altogether and running away. What if my birth parents didn’t like me?” Judith Land 

“I was only thinking about myself when I contacted my birth parents. I had neglectfully failed to surmise the effects my actions would have on others. When I initially discovered the identity of my birth mother, Rebecca, she was not interested in meeting me. She had rejected my passionate pleas for clemency, verbally cuffed me on the side of the head like a big mother bear, and adamantly pleaded with me to keep her secret private from her friends and family.” Judith Land

Give us your thoughts on adoption reunions.

What are some common challenges experienced by individuals reuniting with birth parents?

How can the adoption process be improved to better support future reunions with birth parents?

What are the potential emotional impacts of a reunion between an adopted individual and their birth parent?

In what ways can society better support and understand the complexities of adoption reunion with birth parents?

How does the age of the adopted individual at the time of reunion impact the experience of meeting a birth parent?

 

Adoption Reunions

“Our lack of acquaintance and familiarity triggers desperate feelings of heartfelt pain, salty tears, and sorrowful rain. Leisure isn’t fun anymore. Feelings of being unheralded, anonymous, isolated, and alone set my mood. Enduring endless days, lonesome nights, and a marathon of ceaseless dreaming is what my life is all about. Boundless days and endless nights—an infinite cycle of déjà vu day after day, season after season. I am an adoptee who feels the plight of the orphaned refugee. I don’t even know my parents’ names. Seeking eternal bliss, I whimsically dream of effectuating a heavenly love affair of the heart and the healing peace of mind a mother-daughter reunion would make. I am restless and would be forever grateful and feel fulfilled and whole if, by happenstance, some kindred soul would expose my aching heart to my ma and pa.” Judith Land

“Destiny is not preordained. It is about making choices. Our lives are the sum of all our choices, the bridges we cross, and the ones we burn. Our souls cast long shadows over many people, even after we are gone. Fate, luck, and providence are the consequence of our freedom of choice, not the determinants. When justice is served by following our principles, making good decisions brings us inner peace.” Judith Land

Adoption Detective

https://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Detective-Memoir-Adopted-Child/dp/1604945702/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=AUTHOR&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.miG0D3hiYcI7htDoBYKHKA.iIp1qxqYnKLplmcOLqvBTm1wP3IZz1VMOZ-LjOuwUr8&qid=&sr=

About the Author

Judith Land was born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She is a former nurse, a college instructor, a retail shop owner, and a resident of Colorado and Arizona. Her extensive writings on adoption topics have connected with diverse readers living in 193 countries.

Adoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child

Adoption Detective is a multi-genre thriller that resonates globally with men and women and people of all ages in every culture. Emotional tension is intense and never-ending throughout. Judith Ramano is a sympathetic heroine who is strong, authentic, and irresistible and believes in the wisdom of the heart and the power of sympathy. She is genuine, and she lives a meaningful life. She tugs at our heartstrings, leaving us feeling offended, shocked, and sympathetic as our sensibilities increase in response to complex emotional and psychological influences. This unforgettable life story has elements of a who-done-it mystery novel and a non-fiction biography. It is a romance novel with a central love story focused on family with an emotionally satisfying and optimistic ending. This is the true story of Judith Romano, foster child, and adoptee, as she discovers fragments of her background and then sets out to solve the mystery as an adult. This story stimulates moral sensitivities, increases the reader’s ability to solve ethical conflicts, and inspires conviction. The plot follows actual events—a highly compelling adventure story with a happy-ever-after ending.

★★★★★ STARS 

Adoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child is an adoption journey of the heart, mind, and soul that belongs in the Parthenon of adoption classics. The most poignant parts of this book are the “letters” to her birth mother that begin each chapter, which reveal her loneliness and longing. Yet this book is also a detective story, as its title suggests. I was deeply moved by the heartbreaking narrative of this adoptee, but at the same time, the mystery buff in me breathlessly turned the pages to find out how or if Judy finally found her truth. It is hard to believe, in this day and age, when more than 40% of American babies are born out of wedlock, that there was a time when pregnant, unmarried girls were exiled from their families and communities and forced to give up their children to strangers. As you read this shocking and fantastic book, remember: This really happened. Donna Montalbano, Radio Host

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Big Dreamers

“To make our dreams come true, we must pursue them. Big dreamers are visionaries who seek a purpose in life. Dreams identify desires, desires produce determination, and determination leads to our destiny. Those who believe in the beauty of their dreams are more powerful than others with all the resources.” Judith Land 

“Dreams of adoptees may suggest unresolved issues or fears of abandonment and rejection from the birth mother or caregiver. They may also indicate a desire for more understanding and closeness.” Judith Land

Dreams expose the soul’s inner sanctum, representing our unconscious desires—experiences we wish to avoid and those we yearn to live. Our minds create stories and images, incorporating present experiences and past events to define future outcomes.

Adoptees dream of an idealized, natural, safe life free from worry and strife. They speculate about their family displacement, immense changes in their social environment, family tree, network of friends, and an unforeseen deviation from their natural path. Emotional thoughts during the day occupy their dreams at night. Intense emotions lead to vivid dreams. Emotional stress disrupts sleep patterns. A disturbed mental state causes them to dream frequently and vividly—dreams that often seem forever. Dreams spark their imagination and expose their deepest fears. Dreaming exposes their inner being, solidifies their core beliefs and perspectives, and reveals the truth of objectionable relationships. Dreams are how adoptees learn about their identity, define who they are, and understand what they need to live a fulfilling life.

Vivid dreaming occurs when our brain is most active. Vivid dreams highlight and expose your inner being and sometimes include pleasant or meaningful experiences, like soaring through the sky or conversing with a missing loved one. Dreaming helps you process your emotions by consolidating and analyzing memories of unresolved issues. They reveal your deepest fears, attributes, and passions, which help interpret who you are. If you feel unfulfilled, undervalued, or not the person you want to be, your dreams will often reflect that.

Lucid dreaming, a captivating phenomenon, offers adoptees a unique opportunity for self-exploration and problem-solving. This state of conscious awareness during sleep can be a powerful tool for adoptees dealing with complex issues. It allows them to practice skills, creatively solve problems, and even confront emotional trauma, fears, and nightmares. It serves as a personal rehearsal space, preparing them for the various situations and challenges that may arise during the day.

Visions that arrive as dreams are monumental milestones that influence future outcomes. Visions create awareness of something that hasn’t happened yet but has the potential to occur in the future. They contain fundamental ideas with concrete applications. Adoptees subconsciously hoping to reunite with a biological mother and close relatives may be more prone to experience visions stimulated by intense emotions. Meeting previously unknown family members is often a highly emotional, once-in-a-lifetime reunion that may shock, astonish, and take away the participants’ breath.

Precognitive dreams, often viewed as psychic predictions or premonitions of potential future outcomes and events, can hold a profound symbolic significance. They are a window into our subconscious thoughts, emotions, and experiences. While some may dismiss them as mere wishful thinking, others believe they are a manifestation of karma, luck, or even the timing of future events written in the stars. Scientists, however, see them as a potential tool for personal growth. They encourage us to revisit these dreams, delve deeper into their meaning, and unlock their potential insights. These insights can be precious for adoptees in their journey of self-discovery and understanding.

Dreams represent unconscious desires and wishes that provide insights into the subconscious mind, revealing hidden truths about our lives. For instance, a dream about falling could indicate a fear of failure. In contrast, a flying dream could symbolize a desire for freedom. Dreams stem from our imagination, abstract thoughts, memories, and wishes. Paying attention to your subconscious mind helps unravel the hidden messages in your dreams.

Everyone wants to live with good memories, not bad dreams. The road to success and happiness is nearly the same as the road to failure and disappointment. The sky is big and blue. Do not live like a bird with a broken wing that cannot fly. Embrace who you are. If you are an adoptee with conflicted emotions, follow your dreams to shape a purpose-driven life and find direction and meaning. Big dreamers have an unyielding determination that keeps them moving forward, no matter how tough the journey gets.

“Sharing my innermost thoughts and private emotions with a worldwide audience is difficult. Writing an autobiography requires me to dig deep and explore my most profound feelings, which can expose my vulnerabilities and sensitive areas. However, the fact that my writing has reached readers in 193 countries is both gratifying and humbling simultaneously.” – Judith Land