“Adoption—A thousand reasons to be angry”

“Empathy is heartbreaking for the virtuous adoptive parent who has given all the love and care and hugs they can to a child that continues to struggle with anger management issues.” Judith Land

Anger | Adoption Detective | Judith Land

“Our self-image sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment and determines what we become. A belief in a positive self-image is the cornerstone of all the positive changes that take place in a person. Anger clouds our judgment and causes us to respond wildly based on our emotions. Anger is a negative emotion that is toxic to the body that interferes with its harmonious functioning and balances by negatively affecting our heart, immune system, digestion and hormone production. If you’re an adoptee who has experienced physical and psychological responses to anger that is disruptive to the natural flow of energy in your body, learn the principles of anger management to change the image of self to create a positive outlook and you will modify the personality, human behavior and the outcome.” Judith Land, Adoptee and Author of the book Adoption Detective

Every adopted child has feelings they can’t fully comprehend, including grief, denial, abandonment, low self-esteem and anger. There are a thousand reasons why adoption puts them in an irritable and irascible mood. Knowing that they were rejected by their parents and discarded by family torments them and no amount of external love can overcome this internal torture and humiliation. It’s almost impossible to emerge unscathed from any situation that makes a child available for adoption and every adopted child has experienced loss, or they wouldn’t be available for adoption. Their lives are complicated by painful backstories and gaps in their life’s story that causes emotional suffering. Traumatized by the experience many of them need help learning to understand their emotions—and eventually, how to deal with them. They are hurt by the adoption experience and confused by the lack of a true self-identity. They sense that something is intrinsically wrong without always knowing why. They are grieved by the difficulties they are forced to endure without ever understanding the reasons for the lifelong banishment they have received. A conscious awareness that their life’s journey has been coldly interrupted leaves many adoptees feeling overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness, annoyance, and displeasure triggered by a deep-seated internal fear of persecution, anger, and expressive behavior hostile to others.

They feel out of place when a true self-identity based on solid connections to the past is missing. They are angry knowing they were bartered for and given to strangers for a fee. They long to shed the label of a permanent child in need of lifelong supervision and protection and yearn for a curative breakthrough reality that will finally make sense out of their disrupted life stories. They view themselves as impassioned victims of an annoying maltreatment and emotional torture because they have been abandoned by family and antagonized by those in authority. With a teary eye, a broken heart and no end in sight, they become hapless victims of the unmerciful and cumulative psychological effects of adoption syndrome and post traumatic stress. They are forced to suffer a mental irritability characterized by a lack of sovereign control and heartbreaking social indignation. They endure the pain of the refugee, disconnected, abandoned and lied to about the reasons for the major deviation in their life’s trajectory. They feel disoriented, alone and autonomous, disengaged and isolated from their natural place in the world, geographic niche, social customs, and cultural group.

Lacking a true self-identity, feeling insecure, and existentially uncertain of their place in the world, many adoptees suffer low self-esteem, which is the single most important emotional gauge of future happiness, success, feelings of well being, confidence and positive assurances. The loss of a meaningful self identity and separation from their natural inherited place in the world leaves them in a frenzied mental state, disoriented and crazed with anxiety knowing that they were forced to accept new ethnic and cultural traditions, cuisine, religious faith and denomination, and the language assigned to them. When they eventually discover that social workers, lawyers, clergy, and adoptive parents acting in collaboration to conceal their real identity and the names of their parents have lied to them, and the government even refuses to acknowledge their frustration, they become increasingly incensed and bad tempered about what happened to them.

Judith Land


Adoption Detective

adopción | adoção | Annahme | 採用 | 양자 | pag-aampon | υιοθεσία | adopsjon


About Judith Land

Judith Land lives in Colorado and Arizona with husband and coauthor Martin Land. Judith is a former nurse, retail shop owner, college instructor and avid outdoor person. Her book "Adoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child" is a true story detailing the journey of Judith Romano, foster child and adoptee, as she discovers fragments of her background, and then sets out to solve the mystery as an adult. "Mothers and fathers everywhere in the world need to understand that children are forever and always." --Judith Land
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8 Responses to “Adoption—A thousand reasons to be angry”

  1. LoveForGrace says:

    My niece is 12 this year and back to court we go for her to finally be told of allllll of the details. She has no idea we exist or how hard we tried and have never given up the fight. We barely survived it then and I just hope we all do for the next chapter that will divide our ” life’s timeline ” once again. Before court, during court, the aftermath of court …. oh Dear God …. I just close my eyes and shake my head.

  2. Pingback: Written by: Judith Land – (Thankfully) | LOVEFORGRACE.ORG

  3. Lots of good points in this post Judith. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  4. Reblogged this on One Woman's Choice and commented:
    An author and an adoptee sharing her thoughts…

  5. themermaidstale says:

    being rejected is NOT the most common reason for adoption. That is a stigma of adoption that needs to be eradicated.

  6. Judith Land says:

    You raise an excellent point. To stigmatize adoption is a negative way of shaming, embarrassing, and spoiling the reputation of others. A stigma is a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. When someone feels shame symptoms consist of blushing, confusion of mind, downward cast eyes, slack posture, and lowered head; noted observations of shame affect that are observed in human populations worldwide. A condition of shame may also be communicated externally for the purpose of exposing, dishonoring, humiliating, and disgracing others. We have seen the stigma of treating unwanted pregnancy as a deplorable act largely recede from the public consciousness in recent decades. A newfound respect for single parenting has surfaced and unmarried pregnant women are no longer shrouded in so much secrecy but disrespect and disapproval for behavior viewed by some elements of society as disreputable will likely never completely disappear. Making judgments about single parenting and adoption and other complicated social and personal circumstances that are self-inflicted doesn’t carry the same degree of humiliation it once did but vestiges of prejudice and loathing still exist in all societies. When an individual judges others and intentionally shames and hurts them by dragging their reputations through the mud it carries the same stigma and degree of hatred, disrespect, consciousness of wrong, culpability, and humiliation that it always has. As with any social pendulum, adoption stigmas are declining but in the words of “themermaidstale” and supported by the opinions of the majority, it is a social stigma that needs to be eradicated.

  7. Pingback: They Said…. | The Life Of Von

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