What would your life be like, if things always went the way you wanted?
An adoption plan cannot be created without the birth parents making a life-altering decision. Adoptive parents take full parental and legal custody of the child with no turning back. The adoptee is the tip of the triangle, the highest priority, and the reason the triad was formed.
“Having a positive attitude is all about maintaining a positive mindset, a mental attitude that focuses on the pragmatic brighter side of life; an optimistic mindset that uses the words ‘I can’ and it’s possible.’” –Judith Land
Adoption gives us numerous complex emotional things to think about and talk about. For many adoptees, there seems to be a continuous mildly irritating background hum raising concerns generated by negative thoughts of abandonment, isolation, and deeply held primal fears. The backstory of many adoptions is often complex; resolution of specific issues may become cumulative, ongoing and progressive, with new and unexpected concerns surfacing along the way. Many of the emotions, sentiments, feelings, and confusion generated by adoption are esoteric problems that many outsiders are rarely cognizant of.
If adoption is the reason you are seriously plagued by doubts, fears and perpetual worries, have you ever purposefully tried projecting a better image and outlook? Have you ever noticed that when you expect everything to go well for no discernable reason, they generally do? Coaches, councilors, and parents preach this message tirelessly with the expectation that positive thinking leads to higher achievement, better outcomes, and a more balanced brighter outlook on life. Thinking about what you want and expect to happen in a positive way makes your attractions grow and your aversions shrink and your troubles melt away. The outside world instantly becomes more attractive and less menacing.
Next time you feel frisky, and nobody is looking, try whistling, hopping and skipping, and jumping for joy. Be an everyday adventurer, leisurely shuffling through natural places at your own pace. Take deep breaths of fresh air. Absorb the ambient sounds, smells and sights of nature. Learn to love trees, meadows, and lakes and looking up at the sky. Never be afraid to tell others how you feel. Remind yourself that the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
Judith Land
Adoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child 
Now that I have read the research by Dr. Allen N Schore, regarding right brain development, I understand how infant stranger adoption can take its toll on mental health. Keeping life “lit” is a challenge.
The bond between a mother and her child is the strongest bond found in all of nature. All infants have an instinctive need to stay near their mothers for survival. Scientific studies prove that separation induces severe psychological stress, causes deviations from normal behavior that is predictable, and provides scientific evidence that show the negative effect on the well being of humans and animals. Psychological and sociological data is replete with information about the importance of maternal bonding and the terrible consequences when it is disrupted. Perhaps, many human troubles would be lessened if the emotional needs of infants and young children were better understood.
Keeping it “lit” is definitely a challenge. If you’ve never been on fire, it’s impossible to burn out.
I agree. I would prefer to see the scientific evidence widely distributed to federal and state legislatures when writing public policy.
Separation is as damaging if the gestational caregiver is biological or surrogate.
There will always be a need for infant stranger adoption..however,
infant stranger adoption…world-wide…should be “extremely rare”.
Knowledge is infinite. It’s amazing how much is already known about separation and the more we learn, the more we realize there is still so much more to learn. Answers to one question leads to new questions and when we think we have the answer our imagination takes us beyond…
There are four kinds of adoption—nefarious, forgivable, warranted, and praiseworthy. Fewer adoptions are better. Close family members should be given priority, whenever possible.
I am still learning how being adopted affected me. I am just beginning to see what the dreaded Dissociative disorder did to me and to my brain. But I am aware of it now – that is the only place to start.
There is so much to learn…Dissociation is a disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of who he or she is. Common dissociation include daydreaming, highway hypnosis or “getting lost” in a book or movie, all of which involve “losing touch” with awareness of one’s immediate surroundings.
Disassociation is a detached state of mind characterized by a disconnection from your surroundings to avoid thinking about unpleasant memories and past traumatic events. Dissociation means a lack of connections that disrupts personal functioning affecting our identity, memory, consciousness, and self-awareness. Victims may experience numbing, depersonalization, and self-distancing symptoms, including flashbacks, feelings of losing touch with events around you, and not remembering. Disassociation related to traumatic events can be triggered long after the actual events. Dissociation disorder is a psychological defense mechanism associated with post traumatic stress disorder. Dissociative disorders are a way of disconnecting from one’s self, overload responses that cause adoptees to space out as a way of separating themselves from traumas that may cause fear, anxiety and shame.
Adoptees with this condition should seek advice and practice grounding techniques.
All are accurate. Thanks Judith.
A final note about science. Dr. Allan N Schore published several studies using MRIs to see the right side of the infant’s brains. When an infant is permanently separated from the gestational caregiver, the trauma produces a flood of hormones that stops the growth-development of the Limbic. MRIs show this damage.
Use Google Scholar to find all of Shore’s research on Right Brain Development.
How ethical is it for laws and public policies to put a human in a state of trauma, during childhood, that lasts for the remainder of their lives? And when science tells us differently.