“Adoption—we cry because we are human”

Adoption Detective | Judith Land | Crying

Emotional tears associated with feelings of sadness, grief, fear, remorse, and happiness originate from the heart; they well up inside us and spill out whenever we can’t contain them. They are nature’s way of exposing the truth by letting others know how we truly feel about the events in our lives.

“Tears are like sparkling silver ingots, tiny oblong droplets of salt water glinting small flashes of light that soothe emotional pain like cold water on a burn.” Judith Land

Crying is a natural response to sorrow and frustration and a way of outwardly expressing our feelings and deepest heartfelt emotions. When someone is crying, their tears speak for themselves; no one has to ask what they’re feeling, or to explain anything. Tears help to reveal the truth and play an important role in communication as a way of sharing more than words that stimulates empathy in the mind of others. Crying is a sign that we are alive and a mechanism that can save relationships in distress. Crying lowers blood pressure, relieves stress, reduces magnesium in the blood, and has beneficial results that improve emotional, physical, and mental health. When we don’t cry emotional stresses have negative effects on the mind, the heart, and the body.

Most often we cry because we fear we made a mistake with regrettable consequences. We feel sad for the depraved and the lonely, not only in response to our own pain, shame, and embarrassment but because we’re moved to tears by other people’s sadness, too. Feelings of empathy trigger sympathetic tears because of what happened to another person. It is normal to react emotionally to events that are consequential and pivotal, even when a story has a happy fairytale ending. We cry when the development of events are beyond a person’s control; the course of someone’s life is inexplicably altered; the outcome of a particular situation is detrimental; and negative outcomes are inescapable. Some individuals cry tears of happiness as they reflect on their good fortune and the positive benefits adoption has provided; others don’t feel as fortunate. Even when adoption is the only choice, the separation of anonymous children from faceless unnamed parents seems unnatural. Regardless of why it happened and the severity of the post traumatic stress that may occur, separation is a heart wrenching life-altering event associated with great sadness for many adoptees that leaves them feeling downhearted, forlorn and dispirited. Their tears aren’t a symptom of weakness; they offer proof that they are human.

Have you ever noticed that you feel less sad and angry after a good cry? Some individuals believe that crying is beneficial to health and mental well being, that tears can be highly therapeutic and a potent healing experience. So the next time you experience sadness, grief, fear, regret and remorse, and feel tears welling up inside you, know that it is okay to release those heartfelt feelings of misery, despair, pain, and excessive happiness by having a good cry. Don’t be afraid to let the world know how you feel—go ahead and release those tears.

Judith Land, Adoptee

 

 

Adoption Detective

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About Judith Land

Judith Land lives in Colorado and Arizona with husband and coauthor Martin Land. Judith is a former nurse, retail shop owner, college instructor and avid outdoor person. Her book "Adoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child" is a true story detailing the journey of Judith Romano, foster child and adoptee, as she discovers fragments of her background, and then sets out to solve the mystery as an adult. "Mothers and fathers everywhere in the world need to understand that children are forever and always." --Judith Land
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8 Responses to “Adoption—we cry because we are human”

  1. Thanks for this Judith. It’s taking this adoptee time to learn to cry for the losses without shame. Some people are safer to cry with than others. Certainly, I grew up crying often with frustration at not being understood and being judged and jollied along by my adoptive family. In time I internalised their judgments and no longer understood myself. Healing from these repeated developmental wounds and conditioning takes its own sweet time and patience–and wise empathic souls to show the way.

  2. Reblogged this on karinecichocki's Blog and commented:
    Crying without shame is a great healing gift.
    I’ve always cried but was often judged, criticised or mocked for my tears by those I needed empathy from the most–my adoptive family.
    In time I internalised the messages of judgment, criticism and ridicule and would beat myself up for not being able to contain my tears.

    It’s time to turn that paradigm around and be proud of the humanity my tears reveal and to acknowledge my strength at learning a day at a time, despite all my negative conditioning, to cry without shame.

    Often, I still feel shame when I struggle to contain my tears in social situations that trigger my PTSD and profound grief. Some people and places are more accepting of tears than others. I guess the key is to cry often enough with safe people in safe places to be able to weather the less safe people and places without re-traumatising myself.

    Here’s to the healing power of tears cried among those with the empathy to let the tears do the talking.

    Here’s to having the courage to take the risk to cry and learning to have empathy for myself and others when I grew up with so little of either.

    Thanks again Judith for helping me to write again by giving me something thought provoking and true to reply to.

  3. gooddaytotry says:

    You seem to want to ass ume forever that moms didn’t have their babies stolen from them…. this is toooooooo condesending

    • Judith Land says:

      Mourning and grief are universal emotions experienced by people from all walks of life related to sadness and regret. At some point in our lives we all experience a sense of loss, the pain of dissolution of close relationships, death of valued friends or animals, and the effects of old age and deteriorating health. Grieving is a personal process without time limits and there is no best way to do it. The process of grieving evolves through various stages of denial and isolation, anger, making deals, depression and acceptance. Coping with loss is a deeply personal and singular experience. Nobody can easily understand all the emotions that you’re going through. Resisting the grieving process may only prolong the natural process of healing.

    • Judith Land says:

      Gooddaytotry, I understand and empathize with all who have experienced the pain of separation. The forced taking of children from their parents is especially sad when they are “stolen” from them against the parent’s wishes. The Juvenile Court of Wisconsin stole my mother from my grandmother because my grandmother had no husband when her baby was born. The judge ordered social services to take her child from her because she was a single female, a family arrangement viewed as unacceptable in the eyes of the court. The taking of children from single unwed females was a social norm commonly enforced by the legal system at the time. The state court concealed my mother’s true identity to prevent her from reconnecting with her biological mother by legally changing her name and birth date—she never learned the identity of her mother until after she died. Stealing babies from their mothers through forced separation triggers dire consequences associated with great sadness and regret that most individuals are forced to endure alone for a lifetime. I have experienced firsthand the emotional turmoil and pain of separation. Much of my life has been spent retracing my steps in the sands of time through the labyrinth of life—continuously seeking answers to the age-old question “Why?”

  4. eagoodlife says:

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    The release of tears and emotions is beneficial and healing.

  5. A great post for many people. It is interesting how healing crying can be when often we think we are a “failure” if we burst into tears. As if crying is a weakness, when in reality, it takes strength and courage to face our pain.
    Thank you for liking my first post! I hope to keep connecting with you on the blog-sphere, and am adding your book to my list of those to read. Just curious, have you read Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter?

    • Judith Land says:

      I will research the international bestseller “Three Little Words: Discover the Power of Your Own Voice” by Ashely Rhodes-Courter that details the inspiring true story of the nearly ten years she spent in the foster care system. Despite all odds against her, Ashley triumphed over painful memories and real-life horrors to ultimately find her own voice. Thanks for the tip.

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