Nobody lives forever. Time was my enemy. Deep thoughts about my adoption that had plagued my psyche forever were stimulating a sense of urgency. My life was passing quickly and I couldn’t do anything to slow it down. The desire to know where I came from had suddenly become central to my thinking as a result of maturity, increased consciousness, and the ability to reach a higher plain of spiritual and mental awareness. I had prayed for confidence, wisdom, and guidance, and my prayers were finally being answered. My life was settled and predictable, and I had enough time and confidence to face the unknown. Inner feelings of empowerment were outweighing past insecurities and fears that had previously dominated my personality. I was ready to accept new challenges and find the truth about my past because my fantasy of meeting my birth mother was finally crystallizing into a realistic goal but, if I did find her, I had no way of knowing how she would react or if we would even like each other. Consequently, a jumbled assortment of dreams and fantasies about what might happen if I decided to continue filled my mind.
I had naïvely assumed that I could research public records, find what I was looking for, and telephone my birth mother to complete the process, but ethics had become another issue that clouded my thinking. The moral dilemma of whether I should search for my birth mother and father was an idea that had never occurred to me as a child because ethics was a subject that was far too complex to understand when I was young. The large number of variables and potential outcomes made my head spin. Abstract thinking never seemed to lead anywhere, so I made up my mind to continue, regardless of the consequences. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would think it was wrong for an adult to find her ancestral roots. I consciously made up my mind to postpone all philosophical discussions until I had uncovered some concrete evidence that my biological mother was still alive.
The idea of an adoption search was invigorating and created a new energy and purpose in my life. It was an opportunity to embark on a mission to link my current life with my unknown past. It was an exciting mystery to solve and the start of a grand adventure, but the consequences of an adoption search had an equal possibility of bringing tears and disappointment and happiness and joy. I assumed a successful search would bring completion to my life. The reward would be an increased sense of personal satisfaction and a true self-identity. Conversely, if the outcome were unsuccessful, it had potential to be distressing and sad. I was also aware that a negative outcome could significantly complicate my life. There was a risk of developing a deep psychological hurt that could collaterally affect the lives of my husband, son, and adopted parents.
“If you are an adoptee and a ‘seeker’ the clock is ticking—what is your timeline?”
Parenting | Relationships | Life
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