“Adoption search—a sense of urgency!”

I dreamed my biological clock was hanging on the wall above my head, ticking loudly with the hands spinning around and around out of control. Hours and days were flying past at an accelerated rate. The longer I stared at it, the faster the hands moved. I was experiencing a midlife crisis.

I dreamed my biological clock was hanging on the wall above my head, ticking loudly with the hands spinning around and around out of control. Hours and days were flying past at an accelerated rate. The longer I stared at it, the faster the hands moved. I was experiencing a midlife crisis.

Nobody lives forever. Time was my enemy. Deep thoughts about my adoption that had plagued my psyche forever were stimulating a sense of urgency. My life was passing quickly and I couldn’t do anything to slow it down. The desire to know where I came from had suddenly become central to my thinking as a result of maturity, increased consciousness, and the ability to reach a higher plain of spiritual and mental awareness. I had prayed for confidence, wisdom, and guidance, and my prayers were finally being answered. My life was settled and predictable, and I had enough time and confidence to face the unknown. Inner feelings of empowerment were outweighing past insecurities and fears that had previously dominated my personality. I was ready to accept new challenges and find the truth about my past because my fantasy of meeting my birth mother was finally crystallizing into a realistic goal but, if I did find her, I had no way of knowing how she would react or if we would even like each other. Consequently, a jumbled assortment of dreams and fantasies about what might happen if I decided to continue filled my mind.

I had naïvely assumed that I could research public records, find what I was looking for, and telephone my birth mother to complete the process, but ethics had become another issue that clouded my thinking. The moral dilemma of whether I should search for my birth mother and father was an idea that had never occurred to me as a child because ethics was a subject that was far too complex to understand when I was young. The large number of variables and potential outcomes made my head spin. Abstract thinking never seemed to lead anywhere, so I made up my mind to continue, regardless of the consequences. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would think it was wrong for an adult to find her ancestral roots. I consciously made up my mind to postpone all philosophical discussions until I had uncovered some concrete evidence that my biological mother was still alive.

The idea of an adoption search was invigorating and created a new energy and purpose in my life. It was an opportunity to embark on a mission to link my current life with my unknown past. It was an exciting mystery to solve and the start of a grand adventure, but the consequences of an adoption search had an equal possibility of bringing tears and disappointment and happiness and joy. I assumed a successful search would bring completion to my life. The reward would be an increased sense of personal satisfaction and  a true self-identity. Conversely, if the outcome were unsuccessful, it had potential to be distressing and sad. I was also aware that a negative outcome could significantly complicate my life. There was a risk of developing a deep psychological hurt that could collaterally affect the lives of my husband, son, and adopted parents.

“If you are an adoptee and a ‘seeker’ the clock is ticking—what is your timeline?”

Judith Land

 

 

http://www.adoptiondetectivejudithland.com

Parenting | Relationships | Life

adozione | Antagande | adopsjon | Vedtagelse | adoptie | vastuvõtmine | Ættleiðing

 

 

About Judith Land

Judith Land lives in Colorado and Arizona with husband and coauthor Martin Land. Judith is a former nurse, retail shop owner, college instructor and avid outdoor person. Her book "Adoption Detective: Memoir of an Adopted Child" is a true story detailing the journey of Judith Romano, foster child and adoptee, as she discovers fragments of her background, and then sets out to solve the mystery as an adult. "Mothers and fathers everywhere in the world need to understand that children are forever and always." --Judith Land
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15 Responses to “Adoption search—a sense of urgency!”

  1. amarie1scf says:

    Love it my clock is ticking 6 more weeks! Come visit my blog and find me on FB Diary of a Once Unwanted Girl!

    • Judith Land says:

      Amarie, You are a survivor. Be happy and live your life as though everything is a miracle. Follow your heart and intuition. Life can only be understood by looking backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow. I wish you all the best…Judith

    • Judith Land says:

      Amarie, I enjoyed your blog. Go for the gusto! Judith

      • amarie1scf says:

        I’m scare, excited, nervous, happy and so proud to share my story with others. I will be creating a documentary as well on Adoption & Identity from the footage I get while I”m down there.

  2. gooddaytotry says:

    97.7 percent of moms asked (begged pleaded) to keep. i hope you hurry. the moms who do not search when their child turns eighteen are typically moms that were highly abused. (and all first moms were abused). it is not a ‘gift’ to anyone to take their baby. at least judith you can tell her you were well cared for. thanks for this forum

  3. Pingback: “Adoption—picking up the pieces from here on after” | Adoption Detective | A True Story by Judith Land

  4. mzpsychology says:

    Reblogged this on adopteerazzy and commented:
    As an adoptee, I can identify with everything the writer is saying.

  5. I promised myself I would wait..wait until they were gone. I was the good adoptee the assimulator who would do what I neededto do to maintain their fantasy. I was theirs a prized possession they created. Then like a light switch after 48 years I couldn’t wait another minute. I learned to drink coffee stay up all night and educated myself enough to realize the truth. I had no idea the unleashing of such pain and loss that I had never allowed myself to feel.
    My journey has taken me to places inside I never knew existed. The adoption practices of the past have done irreversible damage to all members of the triad. I hope I will see this change in my lifetime. Honestly its a crime and someone needs to take accountability.

    • Judith Land says:

      Thank you for sharing your feelings. Those who aren’t adopted have no idea the hurt that the lost must face alone. The idea of meeting my birth parents made my hands and feet numb and my heart race. I felt panicky and wanted to run away—but where? The genealogical bewilderment that I had experienced all my life triggered a dramatic crescendo of epic proportions, leaving me feeling high strung and nervous. Thinking about my childhood caused my emotions to teeter between a jittery state of intense anxiety and excitability. My wildly erratic mood swings and heart palpitations were outside the natural range of variability for healthy living. My life was an emotional roller coaster alternating between euphoric emotional highs and melancholic lows, dominated by fear, angst and trepidation. Images of an entirely new self-identity flashed before me. Why this happened to me was a mystery that effected by entire being. After I made the commitment to proceed with an adoption search to discover why my life’s trajectory had been so radically altered my entire focus and purpose in life changed. I know what you are going through—emotions and feeling that are so powerful and confusing they can only be shared with God.

  6. firehouserox says:

    I searched for my biological mother for years! I finally found her, but it was too late. She had passed back in ’09 and her last child, a daughter, refused to talk to me about her. I found my biological father years earlier. He was living in a trailer on a lake in Florida. He refused to speak about her, too. He has since passed, as well. My four other sisters were never adopted, so, they were able to see him throughout their lives. Our younger brother was adopted when he turned 14 months old by the sister of the man who adopted me.

    The search for my mother was a difficult and very disappointing journey, but one I had to take. Excellent article…well written!

  7. I am 57 and acutely feel that time is running out or HAS run out for me to find my Birth Mother. I won’t give up searching

  8. Pingback: “Don’t be a worrywart!” | Adoption Detective | A True Story by Judith Land

  9. Pingback: “Don’t be a worrywart!” | Adoption Detective | A True Story by Judith Land

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