“Adoption search—a sense of urgency!”

I dreamed my biological clock was hanging on the wall above my head, ticking loudly with the hands spinning around and around out of control. Hours and days were flying past at an accelerated rate. The longer I stared at it, the faster the hands moved. I was experiencing a midlife crisis.

Nobody lives forever. Time was my enemy. Deep thoughts about my adoption that had plagued my psyche forever were stimulating a sense of urgency. My life was passing quickly and I couldn’t do anything to slow it down. The desire to know where I came from had suddenly become central to my thinking as a result of maturity, increased consciousness, and the ability to reach a higher plain of spiritual and mental awareness. I had prayed for confidence, wisdom, and guidance, and my prayers were finally being answered. My life was settled and predictable, and I had enough time and confidence to face the unknown. Inner feelings of empowerment were outweighing past insecurities and fears that had previously dominated my personality. I was ready to accept new challenges and find the truth about my past because my fantasy of meeting my birth mother was finally crystallizing into a realistic goal but, if I did find her, I had no way of knowing how she would react or if we would even like each other. Consequently, a jumbled assortment of dreams and fantasies about what might happen if I decided to continue filled my mind.

I had naïvely assumed that I could research public records, find what I was looking for, and telephone my birth mother to complete the process, but ethics had become another issue that clouded my thinking. The moral dilemma of whether I should search for my birth mother and father was an idea that had never occurred to me as a child because ethics was a subject that was far too complex to understand when I was young. The large number of variables and potential outcomes made my head spin. Abstract thinking never seemed to lead anywhere, so I made up my mind to continue, regardless of the consequences. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would think it was wrong for an adult to find her ancestral roots. I consciously made up my mind to postpone all philosophical discussions until I had uncovered some concrete evidence that my biological mother was still alive.

The idea of an adoption search was invigorating and created a new energy and purpose in my life. It was an opportunity to embark on a mission to link my current life with my unknown past. It was an exciting mystery to solve and the start of a grand adventure, but the consequences of an adoption search had an equal possibility of bringing tears and disappointment and happiness and joy. I assumed a successful search would bring completion to my life. The reward would be an increased sense of personal satisfaction and  a true self-identity. Conversely, if the outcome were unsuccessful, it had potential to be distressing and sad. I was also aware that a negative outcome could significantly complicate my life. There was a risk of developing a deep psychological hurt that could collaterally affect the lives of my husband, son, and adopted parents.

“If you are an adoptee and a ‘seeker’ the clock is ticking—what is your timeline?”

Judith Land

 

 

http://www.adoptiondetectivejudithland.com

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