I pensively reflected on the life of the mythical Greek goddess Pandora—too curious for her own good—her insatiable curiosity had caused Pandora to accidentally release much evil into the world; the only bountiful gift from the Gods remaining inside Pandora’s Box was hope. Was I following in Pandora’s footsteps, ignoring the warnings of the past, too curious for my own good, teetering on the brink of discovery of a hidden past that is best forgotten? I weighed the consequences of continuing with my adoption search. Friends warned me about the perils of failure, and the risks of a pending doom followed by painful emotional disappointments. “The kettle may be hot. Don’t burn yourself. What is the point? If I were you, I wouldn’t go there,” they strongly cautioned in unison. My curiosity and internal drive to uncover the past and discover my true self-identity were stronger than all the red flags, pessimistic thoughts, and rational doubts espoused by others.
Alternating between fear and joy, a torrent of incomplete opposing thoughts of the birth mother I had never known was causing electrical short circuits in my brain; I was being driven by my emotions. I desperately wanted to find her but the task seemed endlessly hopeless. There were no clues to follow. I didn’t even know her name. My stomach acids were churning. The emotional turmoil of my adoption search was wearing out my heart.
I sat at my desk twirling my hair, starring blankly at a clean sheet of white paper, wondering how to capture my conflicting thoughts on paper. I sipped a warm cup of camomile tea and listened quietly to the lyrics of Rod McKuen’s song “If You Go Away. If you go away on this summer day, Then you might as well take the sun away, All the birds that flew in a summer sky, And our love was new and our hearts were high, When the day was young and the night was long, And the moon stood still for the nightbird’s song, If you go away. There ain’t nothin’ left in the world to trust, Just an empty room full of empty space.” I paused, took a deep breath, thought about heaven, shrugged my shoulders, and relaxed. I placed my pen on the blank sheet of white paper. Thoughts of my birth mother unconsciously spilled out of my head into words.
I am your biological daughter. We share the same flesh and blood. Our genetic blueprint makes us similar. I have more in common with you than anyone else in the universe. For that reason, I hope fate will reunite us so we can rediscover our inherent natural connection as mother and daughter. My life is filled with wonder as I linger in limbo, thinking about the mysterious circumstances surrounding my adoption. It is an enigma why we live in isolation. Seeking an end to the negative torments that plague my soul drives my desire to find you as the only way to calm my restless spirit. As a lost soul, I look forward to a time when I can end the myriad of doubts and insecurities that dominate my dreams. The many obstacles placed in my path to prevent me from finding you have tested my will, and the act of overcoming them has strengthened my spiritual faith. Can you sense my presence in the back of your mind, slowly eroding away the barriers that lie between us like the relentless ocean waves that inspire me?
Love, Judith Ann
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